Relationship abuse is a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control over a partner, child, friend, or community member. This can manifest in different ways. Multiple types of abuse usually occur in an abusive relationship.
Abuse can be discerned from conflict or a “normal fight” with the recognition that conflict and disagreement are inevitable in relationships, but abuse is not. When a non-abusive person feels threatened or insecure, they explain their boundaries or invite you into a conversation for you to work through your issues together compassionately. The more abusive a person is, the less likely that is to happen, and the more likely they will engage in the “red flag” behaviors listed below.
Recognizing Healthy Relationships and Conflict Resolution
Abusive behaviors are commonly excused and defended in our culture, so it can be difficult to recognize what is actually healthy. Here are some “green flags” to look for in relationships and build within yourself so we can live in a more peaceful world.
Physical abuse involves the use of physical violence, or threats of it, to maintain power over an individual. Because of this, survivors are afraid and in uncertain physical danger at any time. Physical Abuse reinforces the regular use of other, more subtle, types of abuse.
You might be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following abusive behaviors:
Emotional and Verbal abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten someone. These behaviors are sometimes subtle and hard to identify, but are just as serious as other types of abuse.
You may be in an emotionally- or verbally-abusive relationship if your partner attempts to exert control by:
Sexual abuse is when a partner controls the physical and sexual intimacy in a relationship. This often involves acting in a way that is non-consensual and forced.
You might be experiencing sexual abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following:
Sexual coercion lies on the continuum of sexually aggressive behavior. It can range from begging and persuasion to forced sexual contact. But even if your partner isn’t forcing you to perform sexual acts without your consent, making you feel obligated to do them is still sexual coercion. No matter what type of relationship you are in, you never owe your partner intimacy of any kind.
Ways sexual coercion can occur:
Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. It may involve an elder or faith leader inflicting abuse on members of the congregation, fostering a toxic culture through shame or control. However, it’s important to recognize that spiritual abuse can extend beyond organized religious settings and occur within intimate relationships. Individuals of any belief system, irrespective of their religion, can experience spiritual abuse
Spiritual abuse can look like:
These lists are adapted from “The National Domestic Violence Hotline”, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”, and the “The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network” for your convenience.
Call 800.656.HOPE (4673)
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani Durvasula
The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook by Glenn Schiraldi, PhD
Overcoming Trauma through Yoga: Reclaiming Your Body by David Emerson and Elizabeth Hopper, PhD
The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes PhD
The Somatic Workbook for Nervous System Regulation and Anxiety Management by Kaitlin N Harkess, PhD
The Better Boundaries Guided Journal by Sharon Martin, DWS, LCSW
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD
(she also has a great guided journal by the same name and several more books in this series)
If you read these Red Flags and feel alarmed that you've done any of these behaviors, I'd like you to practice compassion for yourself as well as anyone you may have harmed. Seeking therapy and reflecting on any life experiences or cultural norms that may have taught you these behaviors were appropriate are great ways to start healing. Apologizing to anyone you've treated this way, while respecting that they don't owe you forgiveness and may need to keep their distance, can be very helpful and meaningful. We all have traumas and we've all been wrong or misinformed in some way, I hope you will choose to keep healing, learning, and evolving along with the rest of us, and not retreat into shame, despair, or blaming others. Here are some places that can offer support, if you'd like to learn more. We're all in this together.
While these resources say they are for men, they can be used by anyone, because anyone can abuse, and anyone can be abused, regardless of gender, sex, race, class, religion, sexuality, or lifestyle.
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